Married as a verb

Sean & I pre-kids

If you've been reading my blog regularly, and I expect that you are (hehehe),  you already know how my husband and I met and went from friends, to romance, to husband and wife.  That's the part most people are interested in;  the how did you meet, how did he propose, where did you get married part.  I get it, it's the piece of the story that's the most exciting, the most romantic, and usually the stuff couples are the most willing to talk aout.  People rarely ask about a married couples relationship beyond the I dos.  A close girlfriend might inquire how often you do the horizontal hokey-pokey, which may or may not be a useful barometer of the success of your marriage.  But beyond that, it doesn't seem that we spend much time talking about the art of being and staying married.

The four years since Sean and I wed have gone fairly smoothly.  We absolutely have our tough topics and have had some rocky moments but, until really recently, these issues haven't affected the security and confidence we have in our bond.  We have always talked about the importance of making our marriage a priority and constantly working on our relationship.  Before our most recent life change, finding the time and energy to do that hadn't really been that hard for us. But the last few months have been a different story, a story with a lot more bumps in the road.  

While I was pregnant with the girls, I read in several different sources that marriages of parents of multiples are almost twice as likely to end in divorce compared to other married couples.  I have to say that in the 12 weeks in which we've had our little ladies, I've gotten a taste as to what that stat is all about.  To be totally honest, a few weeks after our twins were born, I went through a pretty good stretch of days when I felt almost totally disconnected from my husband.  I was finding that by the time Sean got home from work the kids were all in the middle of their witching hour and I was also tired and crabby.  When he walked in the door I wanted to go to bed with my book or go for a drive in my car but instead I needed to nurse a baby or bath a toddler, not so different from the way my day had been going before my husband got home.  Not only was I feeling like we were living in two parallel universes, it also felt like Sean's universe was considerably less demanding and that he was enjoying freedom and relaxation that I so desperately wanted, needed. 

It was all fairly terrifying and that statistic about the divorce rate for parents of multiples kept screaming in my head.  I knew I needed to talk to Sean but I feared that giving my thoughts a voice would make the distance I was feeling more real and perhaps more dangerous.  Fortunately, I faced this fear and talked to my hubby anyway.  Not so surprisingly, he was also feeling disconnected and neglected (although for totally different reasons).  We had a long talk, which had it's difficult moments, but ultimately were able to distinguish what the other needed; more help and understanding for me, more physical contact for Sean.  We both made the commitment to put our marriage back on our list of daily priorities.  Some days the dishes and the laundry don't make that list and that's okay.  I would rather have dirty socks and eat off the same dish all day than lose my husband who, in-spite of being a man, really is pretty amazing.

After that talk things have gotten so much better.  No matter how crazy the day or how tired I am, I make an effort to kiss my husband when he gets home and ask about his day.  And Sean has been encouraging me to get out of the house more and get some space.  Which usually means trips to Walmart, since that is the only place on most days that I'm dressed appropriately for (think sweats and t-shirts with breastmilk stains).  I also talked to my parents and they have committed to giving us regular date nights, since sometimes even being able to have a 5 minute, non-baby related conversation in this house is impossible.   

Actually, just the other night Sean and I went out for some drinks and had a conversation about this very topic.  Sean made a great analogy.  He likened not working on your marriage on a daily basis with taking a college class and not doing any of the semester's work until the night before grades close.  Most likely if you don't put effort in on a regular basis, you're probably going to fail.  Since I do have three kids under three, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be very sought after in the dating scene, I best do everything I can to keep my marriage afloat.  

Sean & Bri + 3

In conclusion, I think there needs to be a verb that describes the act of being and staying married.  A word that describes the things we do to stay connected to our spouse (even when what we really want to do is take a nap).  So instead of saying, "I'm going shopping" or "I'm bathing the kids" or "I'm sleeping", we can say to each other "It's time to do some marriaging".  In fact, I'm going to get off the computer and take advantage of all three of my kids napping at the same time, and send my husband a little text message.  Maybe it will even be the sort of thing I wouldn't repeat here on the www.  Now wouldn't that be doing some pretty decent marriaging.