Love Letter

I've recently been playing catch up with all three of my kids' baby books.  Looking at pictures from the past 3+ years since we planted out first seed (aka-Ben), has gotten me thinking about all the conversations Sean and I had about having a family after we found out we were expecting.  So today I went and got out the journal with the letters I wrote to each of my children when I was pregnant.  My little wolf pack visited slumber-land at the same time (quite an accomplishment) and allowed me some precious moments to re-read all the letters I had written.  One in particular, that I wrote in the second trimester of my pregnancy with Ben, got me pretty emotional and helped me to re-prioritize what's important to me as a parent.  It is easy to get caught up in the details (nap times, feedings, dishes, laundry, keeping my kids from clawing each other's eyes out).  This little letter reminded me of why I made the decision to become a parent and the gifts I want to give to my children.

I read the letter to Ben after his nap and asked if I could share it with you.  He said it was okay if you read it as long as he could have a snack.  So, while Ben eats his cheese and fruit, take a few minutes to read the words of a naive but fairly wise (if I do say so myself) little expectant mommy:

Pregnant with Mr. Ben on Swans Island (aka- the girl who wrote the letter)

7/10/2009

Dear Mia or Ben,

I love you little one.  Grow strong for Mommy.

The Island is so beautiful today.  Bright blue, cloudless skies, a cool breeze to cut the warm air.  Your grandmother and I are at the Fine Sand Beach reading, drawing (Gram not me), going for walks, and watching lobsterman collect their traps.  I can almost picture you playing in the sand, asking us to run with you, or help you build a sandcastle out of seashells, rocks, and sand.  But for now you grow in my belly, which amazes me and makes me believe in god in a way I never thought possible.  Rest and grow strong, my sweet baby. 

Picturing you being here beside me makes me think about the kind of mother I hope to be.  Here are some things I can promise you (feel free to hold this list over my head in your preteen and teenage years):

• I will love you unconditionally and with my whole heart.
• I will talk with you and share my experiences but, more importantly, I will listen, really listen, when you have something to say.
• Even though I will want to protect you and keep you safe from all hurts and pain, I will allow you to make your own choices and mistakes.  
• I promise to be your mother first, even when you think you'd rather me just be a friend.  I will tell you the truth (nicely) even when you don't really want to hear it.
• You will always have boundaries to keep you safe and expectations and responsibilities to keep you focused.  But I will also encourage you to be a child and enjoy life no matter your age.
• I will accept you for who you are even if I don't always understand the choices you make.  I will allow you to be your own person and find your own way.  Even though it will be hard for me, I won't stand in your way of taking risks and taking steps towards independence.  
• I will engage you in conversation and activities that get your mind and imagination working.  I will be the teacher and the student and let you be both too.  
• I will constantly expose you to new things and new perspectives and then encourage you to choose your own interests to investigate further.  
• Besides just your father and I, I will surround you with people who will support you and be a positive influence in your life.  You will know friendship, laughter, and fun.  
• I will share with you my love for life and try my best to be a role-model of kindness, compassion, optimism, and perseverance.   

Sweetheart, to summarize, I promise to always do my best and try to do right by you.  I am not a perfect person.  I will lose my patience at times and let stress and frustration get the best of me.  But you will always know that I love you.  This being a mom thing is new to me but I will learn as I go and treasure every moment of being your mom.

Love you!
Your Mommy

Womb Ache

I am done having kids.  I am done having kids.  I am done having kids.

My uterus is no coach potato

Although there were times when I fantasized about having a big crew of bambinos, any time Sean and I had talked realistically our future plan had always been two, maybe three kids if fortune somehow found its way to us.  As most of you know, although we have yet to hit the jackpot or stumble upon a million dollar idea, we were blessed with a pretty sweet two for one special in the form of two awesome little ladies who came our way as a packaged deal about 6 months ago.  We now couldn't picture ourselves as anything less than a happy family of five.  But I would consider us pretty maxed out with our three kids under three.  Our house is at capacity in terms of people and stuff, our bank account whimpers a little bit from lack of love, and any more prioritizing of our time and energy and Sean and I will probably have to stop showering and using words that have more than one syllable.    

My head and even my heart know that more kids is most likely not in my future but my uterus is sending signals that it would like more business.  Biology is a funny thing, the instincts and urges we have that seem entirely out of our control are a little crazy.   My uterus is currently trying it's best to ensure survival of the human species by compelling me to continue sending it fertilized eggs.  My tricky little reproductive system attempts to fool me into procreation by flooding me with feelings of pregnancy-nostalgia and the urning to fill my uterus with a new being.  I have termed this intense, seemingly hormonal, reaction/feeling "womb ache".  

Womb ache often strikes when I am holding or cuddling one of my offspring but can also occur in less  serene moments.  At times my body seems not to be urging me to grow a new person but instead, seems to want me to insert one of the people I have already made back into my belly (with no regard for how large that person now is).  At this point many of you will have stopped reading and are now on the phone with a reputable mental institution.  Although I would prefer not to be locked up, if you know of a good womb-ache support group, I would be more than willing to attend. 

I am unsure how rare of an infliction womb ache is.  If the above symptoms sound familiar to you and you would be interested in being a part of a case study that may eventually lead to medical trials, please leave your contact information below.  Until then, I refuse to let one organ (and not even a vital one at that) dictate my future choices and the amount of children whose diapers, extracurricular activities, and college educations I have to pay for.  So, take that you diabolical uterus!  All the aching and acting up in the world won't get me to meet your ever growing demands!